Relationships: What do men REALLY want?

My bf and I were watching a talk show yesterday in which the topic was cheating. It led us to talk about the reasons why men cheat. My bf said he feels the number one reason men cheat is because his partner does not nurture him enough. I asked what he meant by ‘nurture,’ and he said: when a woman takes care of her man, does things for him, boosts his ego, etc. In the same sentence, he said that men are not looking for a mother figure. When I asked, “Doesn’t a mother do all of those things?”, he just stared at me.

So my question is, what do men really want in a relationship?

I’ve heard numerous men say that they lost interest, or pulled away from, their partner because their partner became boring, or too mother-like. But at the same time, they expected their partner to do the things for them that made them mother-like. I’m lost on this one. Which is it that you want… an equal partner, or a mother?

I did a little googling yesterday on this subject and the majority of men said this is what they want from their partner:

Loving
Supportive
Affectionate/Attentive
Take care of them
Do things for them – cook, clean, laundry, run errands, etc
Raise their children
Independent – have a job
Self-sufficient
Understanding
Sexy – take care of herself & always look good
Non-controlling – not telling them what to do
Allow them to hang out with their guy friends
To let them be The Man

Well, the list went on and on. It made me tired just reading it. It also made me a little irritated. A LOT is expected of women in a relationship and it makes it seem like a relationship can never be 50/50 if the woman is doing everything. Am I wrong?

To all of you men who are reading this, is this accurate? Is this what you want?

I’ll give you a little bit of honesty regarding this mother thing. We don’t want to be, act like, look like, or even resemble a mother to you. No matter what we do for you.

Emotional Infidelity

I was watching a show that discussed emotional infidelity—having an ‘affair of the heart’ without necessarily moving to the physical level. The consensus was that an emotional affair is worse than a physical affair. (assuming one can split the two, of course).
They said 97% percent of the women surveyed felt that an emotional affair would likely lead to a physical affair.
Warning signs that you are entering dangerous waters include increasing your communication with this person, thinking about this person a lot, and fantasizing about that person. The experts on the panel also said that often, a person enters an emotional affair when the sex life at home has fizzled out a bit.
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Ok
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So, I start to thinking (always dangerous)…
What if a person is having all the physical encounters they want and need at home, but is searching for intimacy/friendship? What if the primary relationship does not lend itself to sharing secrets, joys, pains, etc?
How is it bitching to your best girlfriend different from bitching to your best guy friend?
I am one that is against ‘male bashing’ and ‘husband bashing’. I think its mean and cruel.
But I imagine that sometimes, a person has an issue they would want to talk about, or is not receiving the emotional support they need at home.
I suppose there is always therapy. But a therapist costs money, and a therapists goal is going to be to teach you to rely on yourself.
What if you just want a sympathetic ear? Is that emotional infidelity?
And what if you do fantasize about another person? Does that make you a cheater? Does it matter if its Brad Pitt vs. the sexy guy who delivers your mail? Does it matter if its a stranger or a person you’ve known your whole life?

Is intimacy overrated?

Is intimacy overrated? Can you have a sexual relationship without all the bells and whistles of intimacy?

Sex when it’s boiled down to basics is really just a body function (albeit a very nice one!). However, there are other things involved with it…hormones, emotions, love, lust, attraction, body image, self esteem, comfort…I imagine that list can go on.

When you factor in all the above, it makes it seem like there needs to be a degree of intimacy in order to really be able to ‘let go’ and enjoy yourself. I mean, can you really concentrate on how great you feel if you are wondering about your thighs in the lighting?

But then again, if there is no intimacy…do you care what your thighs look like?

I’ll admit, I’ve been married for…oh, a long time! I am ‘out of the loop’ on modern sexual and dating practices. I am interested in your thoughts and perceptions on the topic of intimacy…

Please comment, let’s get a dialog going! I look forward to your responses. (And yes, I want to hear from women AND men!!)

Friends with Benefits?

So yesterday as I was driving home from work, I was thinking about relationships…friendships and romantic relationships and how the two can cross over in so many ways. You can have platonic friendships, love affairs, physical affairs with love or not love, or the ever popular ‘friends with benefits’.
I figured the thoughts were just a product of a tired mind after a brutal 12h shift, but then when I came home, I saw Alanis Morisette was going to be a guest on Letterman, and I got that song in my head that has the phrase ‘friends with benefits.’ Then, to just add to the mystery, I was visiting a friend’s blog and saw I was linked there and one of the tags was ‘friends with benefits’.
Damn. I guess I need to explore the issue!
Fiirst off, I am so very married for so very long…the chances of me ever having another relationship like that is pretty slim. Strange things would have to happen I suppose.
But I did have a relationship like that once, when I was much younger.  Probably too young to appreciate and analyze the dynamics of such a relationship but not so young that I didn’t get hurt in that relationship, over and over.
“But baby, we’re friends, right?” was a common phrase back then, usually as he was leaving or as he was booty-calling me. (this was a long time ago–do they still use the phrase booty call anyway?)
Now, at my ripe old age of not-quite-40, I can look back on that time as five years of confused teenager/young adult and leave it at that. But what about now, at my age…is a friends-with-benefits relationship even possible in an adult relationship?
I would have to say yes but with reservations.
Both parties would have to have some degree of feeling for each other or else it would become one person using the other person. They would need to treat each other with respect, and the relationship would need some boundaries.
(If I could have said, back then, “you need to stop calling me from your girlfriend’s house” I would have been happier, I think)
The main rule in life is “An’ it harm none, do what ye will.” So yes, its okay to have a relationship like that, but harming none includes yourself; can you handle it knowing that the relationship, while based on friendship, is going to have a physical aspect without the romantic love? Some people can separate their emotions like that, some can’t. Which type of person are you?
If you can manage the physical intimacy and manage the friendship, while maintaining a sense of respect for each other…then I say go for it. You only live once. All acts of love are Her worship, in any case.
Think before you jump into it, though.  What if one person develops stronger feelings than the other? What then? Do you break it off if he/she claims to now be ‘in love’ with you? Or do you continue? What if the two of you fall in love with each other? What happens then? What if you fall in love with the other person, who then tells you that he/she does NOT share the same feelings or worse…is in love with someone else?
Could you handle it?

Thoughts on Sex

I wrote this post for another blog of mine, and it has inspired me to create this blog. So I am sharing it here, as my first post.

I mentioned to someone that I was thinking about doing a blog about sex.
What?! Sex? You can’t do that!
Oh yeah, why not? People talk about sex all the time. It’s all over the media, it’s in I don’t know how many conversations, it’s all over the internet, television…. why can’t I talk about it, too?
Well, because… we just don’t do that!
Yeah? Well, I do. :)

My thoughts aren’t really on actual sex, they’re more on women’s sex drives. In particular, how the media portrays women who don’t have any desire to have sex. They blame it on hormones, usually, or a medical problem, etc. What they don’t discuss, and this is my reason for doing this blog, is another reason: their state of Being.

I can speak from personal experience about this, and I have also spoken to many other women who agree with me. Their state of Being, otherwise known as Happiness, profoundly affects their level of sexual desire, ie., their sex drive. If a woman is not happy in her relationship, the chances are that she will not have any desire to have sex with her partner. If she is depressed, she will not have any desire. If she is over-stressed, she will not have any desire. That isn’t to say that this is always so. Some women (and men) deal with stress, by having sex. It’s a great stress reliever, wouldn’t you agree? ;) In the past when I was unhappy in a relationship, the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with my partner. For (most, not all) women, having sex is not just having sex. We feel we are giving and sharing a part of our Selves, we are sharing our inner most being, we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. So, if a woman is having problems with her partner, she isn’t going to offer herself up.

When this happens, it’s been MY experience, that the man does not understand this. I believe it’s hard for a woman to explain this to a man. It has been for me. Although I’ve been able to get the words out to a man, I haven’t been able to get him to actually understand, without him taking it personal.

I know a woman who recently tried to talk to her man, to explain that she wasn’t happy in their relationship and therefore, didn’t have any desire whatsoever, to have sex. He didn’t see the problem… “What does that have to do with you giving me sex?” Three cheers to her for dumping his ass. I will add, though, that that was the least of their problems.

So why is it that this reason for not wanting to have sex, or having a low sex drive, is rarely addressed? Let alone accepted and understood? My doctor once put me on hormone medication. I had had a hysterectomy, and months later, after answering his check up questions, I informed him I had no sex drive. HE automatically prescribed medication, which I took. Mistake. Not long after, when I left my ex-husband, I stopped the medication. Guess what happened? My sex drive came back like there was no tomorrow! I don’t believe it was because I stopped the medication. The medication was to help it, remember? I believe it was because I was no longer unhappy! Any number of reasons can kill a woman’s sex drive, but I am using relationships as an example in this blog, because I feel it is probably the number one reason.

If a man doesn’t understand this, it isn’t his fault. But men should still be told, and try to be understanding. People should talk about it. Doctors should stop medicating for the wrong reasons… I know, that’s a whole ‘nother blog. So, I’ve shared my thoughts on this, and if there are any men reading this… I hope that if you are ever on the receiving end of “No, honey, I’m not in the mood,” that maybe you’ll be understanding and patient, instead of asking, “What does that have to do with you giving me sex?”