Is intimacy overrated?

Is intimacy overrated? Can you have a sexual relationship without all the bells and whistles of intimacy?

Sex when it’s boiled down to basics is really just a body function (albeit a very nice one!). However, there are other things involved with it…hormones, emotions, love, lust, attraction, body image, self esteem, comfort…I imagine that list can go on.

When you factor in all the above, it makes it seem like there needs to be a degree of intimacy in order to really be able to ‘let go’ and enjoy yourself. I mean, can you really concentrate on how great you feel if you are wondering about your thighs in the lighting?

But then again, if there is no intimacy…do you care what your thighs look like?

I’ll admit, I’ve been married for…oh, a long time! I am ‘out of the loop’ on modern sexual and dating practices. I am interested in your thoughts and perceptions on the topic of intimacy…

Please comment, let’s get a dialog going! I look forward to your responses. (And yes, I want to hear from women AND men!!)

Second life = Second wife?

The other morning, I was luxuriating in bed after a couple of really long shifts at work. The morning talk shows filtered thru my cobwebby brain, and I was floating on a sea of (rather unprintable) dreams.

Something they said on tv, however, caught my attention and I began to listen.

Apparently there are websites where one can have an alter life. Like “Sims” or some such. You can choose your avatar, your clothes, your livingspace and lifestyle…you all get the picture.

To make it all that more (profitable?) (delicious?) (tempting?) interesting…you can choose to have virtual sex as well. This isn’t the ‘old fashioned’ virtual sex where you are typing back and forth. Nope, here you can also have hot, steamy, virtual sex with your other online friends.

On Mike and Juliet they discussed the pro’s and con’s of online virtual sex. The man featured, one of the creators of the Second Life website, apparently has his ‘real life’ wife and then has his ’second life wife’…and he shares ’second life sex’ with her as well.

Stranger still, his real life wife came on the show to support him! (He IS raking in the cash of course.)

So huh, what do you all think?

Is this a new form of pornography? Is this just a natural outcropping of the ongoing virtual sexual revolution?

Is this cheating?

Friends with Benefits?

So yesterday as I was driving home from work, I was thinking about relationships…friendships and romantic relationships and how the two can cross over in so many ways. You can have platonic friendships, love affairs, physical affairs with love or not love, or the ever popular ‘friends with benefits’.
I figured the thoughts were just a product of a tired mind after a brutal 12h shift, but then when I came home, I saw Alanis Morisette was going to be a guest on Letterman, and I got that song in my head that has the phrase ‘friends with benefits.’ Then, to just add to the mystery, I was visiting a friend’s blog and saw I was linked there and one of the tags was ‘friends with benefits’.
Damn. I guess I need to explore the issue!
Fiirst off, I am so very married for so very long…the chances of me ever having another relationship like that is pretty slim. Strange things would have to happen I suppose.
But I did have a relationship like that once, when I was much younger.  Probably too young to appreciate and analyze the dynamics of such a relationship but not so young that I didn’t get hurt in that relationship, over and over.
“But baby, we’re friends, right?” was a common phrase back then, usually as he was leaving or as he was booty-calling me. (this was a long time ago–do they still use the phrase booty call anyway?)
Now, at my ripe old age of not-quite-40, I can look back on that time as five years of confused teenager/young adult and leave it at that. But what about now, at my age…is a friends-with-benefits relationship even possible in an adult relationship?
I would have to say yes but with reservations.
Both parties would have to have some degree of feeling for each other or else it would become one person using the other person. They would need to treat each other with respect, and the relationship would need some boundaries.
(If I could have said, back then, “you need to stop calling me from your girlfriend’s house” I would have been happier, I think)
The main rule in life is “An’ it harm none, do what ye will.” So yes, its okay to have a relationship like that, but harming none includes yourself; can you handle it knowing that the relationship, while based on friendship, is going to have a physical aspect without the romantic love? Some people can separate their emotions like that, some can’t. Which type of person are you?
If you can manage the physical intimacy and manage the friendship, while maintaining a sense of respect for each other…then I say go for it. You only live once. All acts of love are Her worship, in any case.
Think before you jump into it, though.  What if one person develops stronger feelings than the other? What then? Do you break it off if he/she claims to now be ‘in love’ with you? Or do you continue? What if the two of you fall in love with each other? What happens then? What if you fall in love with the other person, who then tells you that he/she does NOT share the same feelings or worse…is in love with someone else?
Could you handle it?

One Man’s Views

Here are some Q/A’s from a conversation I recently had with a man who wanted to share his views, after I told him about this blog. He instantly asked for the web addy, so that he, too, could learn more about women. he he he

Q. Why does society deem it acceptable for a man to date a younger woman, but unacceptable for a woman to date a younger man?
A. Society will always see the man as the bread winner, the main supporter, the head of household, the strong one. He lives his life learning how to work, support and raise a family, and take care of everything. At one point in his life, after he feels he has achieved his goals, he may turn his focus on his morality, his physical health, and having more fun. Some men reassure themselves by dating younger women because it helps them bring back their youthful energy, drives, etc. Basically, it’s an ego booster. By an older man dating a younger woman, it also tells other men that he has accomplished his goals.

When a woman goes out into society with a much younger man, that younger man is not viewed the same as the man mentioned above. He hasn’t lived his life long enough to earn the respect/acknowledgement of his life experience. Therefore, he is just viewed as “eye candy” on an older woman’s arm. Everyone knows she’s with him for the sexual aspect. The situation is kind of reversed… this older woman is the man mentioned above, who has accomplished her goals, is independent, self-sufficient, and now wanting some fun for herself.

Q. What assumptions go through a man’s head when a woman (in a relationship) doesn’t want to have sex?
A. That she’s tired, or stressed out. But if she says ‘no’ more than a few times, on different occassions, I would assume that she was seeing someone else.
Q. Why would you assume that? Why wouldn’t you instead ask her if anything was bothering her? Or maybe try to find out why she didn’t want to have sex?
A. Most women just say, “Nothing’s wrong.” They won’t elaborate, or talk about it. Then it makes the man feel like she’s hiding something, so he just assumes it has to be something terrible. Otherwise, I do ask… if she’ll answer. Women keep saying how badly they want us to communicate with them, but then they won’t communicate with us when it’s their turn to talk. (He had a good point there, ladies!)

I had to ask this one!
Q. Why is it that men always ask the woman first where something is, before they’ll even look for it themselves?
A. (laughing) Because women always know where it is! Women are usually the ones who clean the house, put things away, are more organized, and have memories that never fail. It’s always easier to just ask her, than it is to waste time looking. (Okay, I asked, he answered!)

Q. What draws you to a woman?
A. Her smile, eyes, the way she carries herself, the way she dresses. Oh yeah, every guy in the room will look at a woman who is dressed “slutty,” but he’ll also dismiss her very quickly. But show a guy a woman who is dressed classy, or sexy, and carries herself well… and he’ll try to instantly figure her out, wonder what she’s like, and let his imagination run about what she’s wearing underneath. We’re men, that’s how we are.

There you have it… one man’s views.

Thoughts on Sex

I wrote this post for another blog of mine, and it has inspired me to create this blog. So I am sharing it here, as my first post.

I mentioned to someone that I was thinking about doing a blog about sex.
What?! Sex? You can’t do that!
Oh yeah, why not? People talk about sex all the time. It’s all over the media, it’s in I don’t know how many conversations, it’s all over the internet, television…. why can’t I talk about it, too?
Well, because… we just don’t do that!
Yeah? Well, I do. :)

My thoughts aren’t really on actual sex, they’re more on women’s sex drives. In particular, how the media portrays women who don’t have any desire to have sex. They blame it on hormones, usually, or a medical problem, etc. What they don’t discuss, and this is my reason for doing this blog, is another reason: their state of Being.

I can speak from personal experience about this, and I have also spoken to many other women who agree with me. Their state of Being, otherwise known as Happiness, profoundly affects their level of sexual desire, ie., their sex drive. If a woman is not happy in her relationship, the chances are that she will not have any desire to have sex with her partner. If she is depressed, she will not have any desire. If she is over-stressed, she will not have any desire. That isn’t to say that this is always so. Some women (and men) deal with stress, by having sex. It’s a great stress reliever, wouldn’t you agree? ;) In the past when I was unhappy in a relationship, the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with my partner. For (most, not all) women, having sex is not just having sex. We feel we are giving and sharing a part of our Selves, we are sharing our inner most being, we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. So, if a woman is having problems with her partner, she isn’t going to offer herself up.

When this happens, it’s been MY experience, that the man does not understand this. I believe it’s hard for a woman to explain this to a man. It has been for me. Although I’ve been able to get the words out to a man, I haven’t been able to get him to actually understand, without him taking it personal.

I know a woman who recently tried to talk to her man, to explain that she wasn’t happy in their relationship and therefore, didn’t have any desire whatsoever, to have sex. He didn’t see the problem… “What does that have to do with you giving me sex?” Three cheers to her for dumping his ass. I will add, though, that that was the least of their problems.

So why is it that this reason for not wanting to have sex, or having a low sex drive, is rarely addressed? Let alone accepted and understood? My doctor once put me on hormone medication. I had had a hysterectomy, and months later, after answering his check up questions, I informed him I had no sex drive. HE automatically prescribed medication, which I took. Mistake. Not long after, when I left my ex-husband, I stopped the medication. Guess what happened? My sex drive came back like there was no tomorrow! I don’t believe it was because I stopped the medication. The medication was to help it, remember? I believe it was because I was no longer unhappy! Any number of reasons can kill a woman’s sex drive, but I am using relationships as an example in this blog, because I feel it is probably the number one reason.

If a man doesn’t understand this, it isn’t his fault. But men should still be told, and try to be understanding. People should talk about it. Doctors should stop medicating for the wrong reasons… I know, that’s a whole ‘nother blog. So, I’ve shared my thoughts on this, and if there are any men reading this… I hope that if you are ever on the receiving end of “No, honey, I’m not in the mood,” that maybe you’ll be understanding and patient, instead of asking, “What does that have to do with you giving me sex?”